Beware
by Tool of a Higher Power
Summary: It's a concept we're familiar with: dimension hopping and all its joys. But when it does happen, I have but one advice. Beware! Rated for iffy language and situations.
1. Beware of Shortcuts

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except for those who are of my own creation.

  
  
Chapter One: Beware of shortcuts

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'Grace? Grace!' I called as I hopped around on one foot trying to pull my sock over my right foot. She appeared at the top of the stairs moments later looking agitated, 'What? Jeez, can't a person get any sleep around here?' I made a face in her direction before successfully dressing my right foot with the idiot sock.

'Have you seen Slinky?' I asked her, tackling the other foot with the remaining sock.

'That stupid rodent? He's probably around in the kitchen somewhere,' she replied then turned to return to her bedroom.

'Grace! Gawddammit! Grace!'

'WHAT?!'

'Make sure to feed him and give him a walk! He needs fresh air. Oh shit… I'm late for class. Remember!'

The "yea-yea" which answered my pleas hardly reassured me of my beloved ferret's position but I was late for class. I grabbed my backpack and slung it over my shoulder, then sneaked a glance at my wrist watch.

'Ah shit… it's already 9:45,' I muttered under my breath as I burst out through the door leading to the garage. After grabbing my bike and a hasty oath to my alarm clock which chose today of all days to run out of batteries, I pedaled out of the garage and headed towards school…which happened to be a twenty minute ride away. Perhaps if I peddled faster…

_'Or you could use the shortcut,'_ the little voice inside my head sang. Shortcut? I frowned. The shortcut would cut down the time by half and I would make it to school with five minutes to spare… but the shortcut consisted of rough undergrowth and terrain suited for a hiker or a skilled mountain biker. I glanced down at my own beaten up bike. I bit my lip... If I get another late, I'll be in deep doo-doo which would do wonders for my record.

The bad kind of wonders. I sighed before I turned towards the opening where the shortcut was.

I discovered the path quite by accident. Walking along the street, I fell and discovered a small entrance through the growth and a weary path which might have been used in the recent past. After walking, I found myself on the school's campus where a thin forest overlooked the football field. I hardly used that path however except when I found the need to be alone and away from Grace's nagging manners… or if one of her boyfriends were to come over.

The path itself was easy terrain for a mountain bike. It was a gentle slope giving in to a gradual incline and another gentle slope. The path was however, strewn with rocks and trees which fell over due to wind or the corrosion of rain. Whenever it came to a too large obstacle, I stopped, got off and wheeled my bike before getting on and starting all over again. Much to my delight, I was making excellent time. I was halfway through the shortcut and it had only been three minutes. I would be there in no time.

It was then that a familiar squeaking drew away my attention from the path.

'Slinky!' I exclaimed in surprise when I saw the furry head poke out of my backpack. My exclamation was welcomed by another squeak then the ferret ducked back in. I turned my head around and saw the fast approaching log. There was no time to scream before the front wheel of my bike made impact and I flew off seat and went sailing through the air. I quickly took off my backpack and hugged it to my chest and curled up into a fetal position, intent on protecting Slinky lest he should come to harm because of my own clumsiness.

My shoulder landed first, then I slid and hit my head.

It was then I lost all conscious thought.

It was then I found darkness invading my mind.

...

The first thing which came to mind was that my head felt like it was on fire, my back ached and there was a pressure on my chest. Slowly, I opened my eyes and struggled to a sitting position. The pressure on my chest had been Slinky, who crawled out of my backpack and settled on top of me. I bid the little ferret hello with a little kiss on the top of his head before I proceeded to inspect myself. As far as I could tell, there were no broken bones or limbs, I was perfectly alright. I felt my head and to my surprise, found blood on my fingers. I winced.

Reaching for my backpack, I pulled out a small first aid kit that I carried everywhere thanks to my scouts training. I opened the small package and pulled out a pocket mirror and examined my reflection.

It was not a wound to be overly concerned about. A rather shallow gash across my forehead. I sighed and proceeded to dress the wounds with some difficulty. After a few minutes of struggling, I managed to clean the wound and wrapped my head with a long piece of bandage. I looked at myself again and laughed. I looked positively ridiculous! In any case, it should heal up in perhaps a few days and I would more than likely have a faint scar now. I hastily packed up and stood up with Slinky resting on the top of my head.

The first thing to do was to find a way out of here. I glanced around my surroundings. Nothing looked familiar. I frowned. Surely, this was the path? My bike was on the ground but the log I hit was no where in sight. I checked my watch then cursed loudly.

The damned thing broke. I scowled at the missing glass and the hands that no longer ran.

I shuddered and drew my beige coat in. It was surprisingly chilly, especially with all these trees blocking the wind. Then, grumbling to myself at how I was being paranoid again, I heaved up my bike, got on, and started to pedal slowly down a rather beaten and overgrown path. Maybe I'll find my way back somehow.

No such luck.

As much as I hated to admit it… I was lost.

Horribly, horribly lost.

It was then I heard the distant sound of drums. I paused and I swore my heart skipped a beat. What the hell was that?

_'Maybe they'll help me!'_ I thought and decided to make my way towards the beating of the drums.

Moments later, I found myself hidden behind bushes as I witnessed a most spectacular occurrence.

Men.

Lots and lots of men.

Not just that but lots and lots of dirty, smelly, ugly looking men. Perhaps they wouldn't be so bad if they knew a little something of hygiene…but regardless, there they were and they were marching towards a small settlement in the background. I bit my lip.

_'Are they filming a movie?'_

I stayed where I was and continued to observe. If that was so, their director would not appreciate me bursting in onto their set. Since they were rather far away, I presumed myself safe from notice and followed them, wheeling my bike along so as to not be heard. I made sure I hid behind the bushes in case a camera caught me in a shot they did not wish. Still, it was quite incredible. The amount of the details paid to the extras for example… but who could explain the smell?

_'What the hell are they doing?'_

Finally, I got onto my bike and created some distance between the marching men and I so that a layer of trees and thick bushes shielded them from me… and me from them… and of their stench.

I continued to observe and follow but stopped when I neared the small village that was built in the style of the medieval ages. I had to praise the attention to detail. This was most certainly, a high budget film.

One of the men, whom I assumed played the leader, held out a large battle axe and yelled something incoherent. Then I watched in fascination and horror at the scene which unfolded. The hundreds, no, thousands of men charged forth. The villagers, whom I assumed were peasants swarmed out of the houses, screaming and waving sickles and sticks. The women and children fled from behind but they were nothing compared to the men who were obviously trained.

A cold shiver ran down my back and I found myself asking one question.

Where was the film crew?

Surely…this isn't real?

The terrified screams of the women and crying of the children dropped me into reality. If this was actually happening… I don't want to be around to see what will result… though I could certainly guess. I got onto my bike and cast one last glance in their direction. One of the men had mounted a screaming woman. I looked away hastily.

Don't want to find out at all.

I slipped Slinky into my backpack and began pedaling away from the scene. I was drenched in cold sweat and my stomach was tightening.

I felt sick.

It was then that the same pungent aroma wafted into my nostrils. I winced. One of them must be near. My heart sank.

_'Oh gawd…please don't let that be one of them…'_ I thought to myself as I increased power to the pedal. I was going at a gentle incline and it was gradually becoming steeper. I swore under my breath.

I fancied I heard a twig snap behind me. Letting out a small cry of fear, I pushed harder and my bike went over the slope and I rushed down the opposite slope where a gentle slope and a warm breeze took me away from the gory battlefield. I shuddered as I continued to pedal; I could still see the woman being raped and hear her cries. I could still smell those men. I could still see the final blows that decapitated some poor villager. Yet with all this, I could not help but feel as if I've seen all this before.

I must be going mad.

Regardless of whether I was going insane or not, my path was suddenly stopped by a man who appeared in front of me. I clamped down on the brakes, stopping within two meters of the strange looking man. The smell was there… it was him! I bit my lip in thought, was he following me?

'Who are you?' he asked, no, demanded, pointing his sword in my direction. I didn't reply, merely stared at him dumbly. He stood there, dressed in the same manner as the marching men except he wore more fur, lacked a helmet and grew a beard which he had braided. I reached for the small air taser my mother had bought me when I moved away from home to continue my education. I held it out, ready to fire as I watched him carefully and felt another cold shiver travel down my back.

I…know him from somewhere.

'Come boy, you must be of the village and it is not our style to leave survivors,' he sneered and advanced. Alarmed, I quickly pushed the button and approximately fifty thousand volts of power shot from the little instrument to attack my assailant. He let out a cry of surprise then a cry of pain before he sunk to the ground and curled up into a fetal position. I hastily turned the taser off and stuffed it back into the side pocket of my backpack. As I pedaled past the crumpled form of the man, I felt the need to reply to his threat.

'I'm not a boy.'

With those words, I quickly pedaled off. It was only a matter of time before he regained control of his muscles and no doubt he would come after me unless I was already long gone. As I pedaled, I could hear him let out a cry of rage and hatred and I couldn't help but grin.

Girl with ferret, one. Crazy dirty smelly man with sword, zero.

It was at this moment that Slinky decided to pop his out to survey his surroundings. I bade him welcome and he squeaked in reply before ducking back in the warmth of my backpack. I smiled. It was rather easy going from here on with the exception of a few bumps and ledges here and there. It was easy terrain.

Soon, the drums faded in the distance and my heart rate resumed their normal pace.

'Well Slinky,' I murmured to the mustela, 'looks like we're on our own.' I received a squeak in reply.

'Best put some distance,' I muttered to no one in particular. I shivered. This was real… I shivered again. Surely, it's not possible… but here I am. Back in what I presumed to be the medieval ages but I could be off by a few years. I continued to pedal in no particular direction. I was unfamiliar with anything that I saw and it was starting to worry me. This was certainly not any part of the shortcut. There was never that large of a field nor was there an existence of a village. I shuddered.

The village… I shook my head resolutely. No sense in thinking of that now.

I found my thoughts however, return to the strange man who I had attacked with the air taser. His face still haunted me and I swore I saw him somewhere before this whole thing happened.

Actually, I'm kind of surprised at how calm and reasonable I was being. I groaned.

_'I **am** going mad.'_

I started to pace myself. This was starting to get tiring but I did not feel the need to stop, lest the crazed band of men decided to come after me. So I continued. Besides, I needed to find some sort of civilization and beg them to take me in under their wings. No way in hell I'm sleeping under the stars when there's a bunch of crazed mad men running around.

Moments later, perhaps even hours later since I lacked a watch to tell the time, I found myself to be entirely exhausted. The gentle sloping of the terrain grew rocky and was starting to rise at an incline. It was really getting too much to handle but I praised myself in having placed a good distance between the strange army and familiar face. After a few minutes of searching, I found the ideal spot to take a brief rest. It was on a slightly raised ledge that looked over the gentle slopes littered the trees on both sides. Should anybody approach me, I would be able to spot them. The tree I chose to rest against was conveniently shielded by bushes so that if I were to crouch down, nobody would be able to spot me. Of course, getting the bike up there was another story.

I hefted the aluminum machinery onto my aching shoulder and started to climb up the slope. After a bit of struggling, I managed to reach the ledge but now, I was completely wasted. I slumped against the tree, panting. As if sensing my fatigue, Slinky climbed out of my backpack and settled once against on my chest. I smiled at the ferret and stroked its brown fur. Resting my head on the cushioned seat of the bike, I stared up at the sky and wondered what was to become of me.

The birds sang in a melodious voice and a breeze played, rustling the leaves of the trees and bushes not to mention the warm weight of Slinky against my chest. I ceased to worry about the future and a deep feeling of content settled upon my frame of mind. I let out a long sigh.

...

And woke up.

Wait…what?

I sat up suddenly and looked around me. Where was I? Trees…bushes… bike… Slinky, who was now awake and agitated crawled back and settled in my lap. What… Then the memory of my current situation came back.

Oh.

I glanced up at the already darkening sky then let out a growl of frustration. It was nearing evening. I sat there and decided to go over my options. I could keep going…or I could stay here in this natural shelter. I didn't feel obliged to move. Besides, this spot was perfect.

As if on cue, lightning flashed and thunder sounded and the heavens opened.

It began to fucking rain.

I groaned and quickly dragged my backpack so that the large tree shielded it from the rainwater. The air taser wouldn't work if it got fried by water. Slinky was now back into my backpack, shielding himself from the rain. I drew my coat closer to myself and thanked my mom for buying me a waterproof coat. As the skies darkened however, I grew more and more alert. The images of the massacred village were still fresh in my mind and I was suddenly thankful for the rain. At least it would hide whatever tracks I made during my escape, thus, making it harder to find me.

I drew my legs up and rested my chin against my knees. The situation went from bad to miserable. I was however, grateful for the almost full moon that lent its light. Without that, I would be sightless as well. Then… my heart froze.

From the distance, I could hear a faint thump, thump, thump.

I hastily reached for the taser then realized the risk in pulling it out in this weather. _'Damnation…where's Lady Luck when you need her?'_ Hastily, I looked through the bushes, trying to find the source of the noise.

'I don't like this,' came a voice through the pounding rain.

'I agree… you saw those tracks Tristan found!' another urged. Another voice answered them, 'Whatever made those tracks is not our main concern. We need to find shelter from this rain and to rest the horses.' Reluctantly, the voices murmured in agreement.

'What of those trees? They would provide suitable shelter,' someone suggested. I felt myself grow cold. The scene of the village played over and over again in my mind. I curled up into a fetal position and remained still. As if sensing my dread, Slinky crawled out of his hiding place and came to curl up against me. I stroked his fur tenderly, careful to not make a sound. The thumping grew closer and I heard a horse snort.

'Well there are plenty of trees to provide shelter,' one of them muttered.

'What of that one? I believe it would be large enough to perhaps create a fire?'

'Perhaps.'

_'No... no no no. Go away. Use one of the other trees!'_ I thought desperately as fear gripped my heart. The thumping grew closer…then stopped in front of me. I opened my eyes to view hooves. I heard Slinky hiss menacingly.

'Why hello. What do we have here?' came a voice from above. I looked up fearfully then stared in confusion.

'…Mr. Gruffudd?'

The Welsh actor laughed, 'I beg your pardon?'

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End: Chapter One

...

A/N: Hmm… well there it is. It was bound to be done and at least I could boast of being the first. Bring on the author massacre!


	2. Beware of Conveniently Placed Shelters

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except for those who are of my own creation.

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Chapter Two: Beware of Conveniently Placed Shelters

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I stared, wide eyed, at the man whose name I was so familiar with on the livejournal communities dedicated to the movie. This…can't be happening. Can it?

'What did you find Lancelot?' came another voice from behind him. It can't be. This can't be happening. Clive Owen poked his head over the bushes and I whimpered.

_'I'm not going mad, I'm not going mad, I'm not going mad…'_

But what I witnessed was proving quite the contrary.

'May we share your shelter?' asked he. Then Mads Mikkelsen joined the two.

'I don't think he can understand you,' he muttered, "That one's foreign." I stared then frowned.

Was he insulting my ethnicity?

Having found this interesting tidbit however, Ioan and Clive proceeded to act out what they wished from me with ridiculous and exaggerated hand gestures.

'May…' Ioan started, mouthing the words and using his arms expressively as if I would understand better. 'We…' he gestured to the rest of the company.

'Share…' Clive gestured to the company again and continuing his companion's question. 'Your…' he pointed to me. 'Shelter?' he gestured to the tree. I bit my inside lip from laughing. I struggled to a sitting position and pulled the hissing Slinky into my lap to quiet him down. What to do? If this was actually happening…I would probably be safer with them…

_'Saxons!__ They were Saxons!'_ I recalled the marching army and the man whose face was so familiar. That must have been Cynric!

… I can't believe I almost electrocuted Cynric.

'Boy?' came the questioning tone which snapped me out of my thoughts. Ioan…no, Lancelot glanced at his traveling companion, 'Think we should try again?'

'No need, I understand perfectly,' I quipped. I grinned at the surprised looks on the knights before they hastily tried to hide it by returning to their cool demeanor a few moments ago. I then watched silently as they tied their horses to a nearby tree so that they would be shielded by the rain and began to settle down under the provided shade. I propped up my bike to make more room and shifted so that I sat with my back against the tree.

In a few moments, they managed to get a fire going. I was quite surprised. Due to the rain, I did not think that a fire was possible… but there it was. Fed by a few dried sticks and branches that they found beneath the tree…

'Come boy, join us,' the one whom I guessed to be Gawain told me, making some room for me in the small circle. Hesitantly, I approached them then sat down beside him with a muttered thank you.

'Well now, what's your name boy?' asked Lancelot.

My patience snapped.

'Why do you people insist on calling me that?' I asked with a glare in his direction. He raised an eyebrow.

'You're a girl then?' laughed Bors. I stared at him and suddenly the knights fell silent.

'You…you mean you really are a girl?' Bors asked with raised eyebrows.

'Is that really so hard to believe?'

The knights exchanged glances before replying in unison, 'Yes.'

I winced at the attack.

Galahad gestured to my hair, 'Not many women would wear their hair that short.'

'Really, I find it quite practical. But I suppose regardless whether or not you believe me, I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to prove it,' I replied, stroking Slinky's fur. Bors laughed and nudged Lancelot with his elbow. He could only grin.

'Your name Lady?' Arthur asked.

'Jones. Just call me Jones. I do not own a title,' I smiled. Arthur nodded as if understanding where I was coming from and the circle of knights proceeded to introduce themselves. Despite the fact that it would've been unnecessary since my memory was now as clear as it could be.

'Pray tell us Jones,' Gawain requested, 'where you are from? Your attire is strange as is your appearance and…belongings.' He cast an uneasy eye on the bike and backpack. 'You wouldn't believe me if I told you anyways,' I replied ruefully. Best I hide my origins…

'And why not?' Lancelot demanded.

'You didn't believe me when I told you I'm a girl.'

'Ah.'

'Come, share your tale with us. The night is long and restless,' Arthur told me with a warm smile. I shuddered. _'I'm not going mad, I'm not going mad, I'm not going mad...'_

'I… I come from the future. Well...technically, no... but... I mean... Damn. I'm really confused.'

This statement was greeted by a round of loud guffaws. I focused my attention on the ball of fur in my lap.

'Surely, this is a jest?' Gawain asked. I shrugged, 'I did say you wouldn't believe me.'

'Come now, what sort of witchcraft is this?' Galahad laughed. I shrugged, 'I'm not going to go out my way to prove that statement either.'

Bors snorted, pulling his cloak around him 'Doesn't matter does it? Here we are, in the middle of the forest, it's raining and we're stuck with a crazy woman.' Arthur gave him a look, 'Regardless of sanity, she is still a woman.' I opened my mouth to protest but was cut off by the murmurs of agreement among the knights. I scowled. It would be pointless to argue against seven men who had set their minds.

Galahad stretched, 'Do you know what I miss?'

'The company of fine looking women?' Lancelot asked. Arthur shot him a look and gestured to me. Lancelot quickly apologized for his rudeness. I rolled my eyes, 'I'm not an idiot.'

'Besides,' I said with a grin lighting my features, 'I can be just as crude as the rest of you.' Galahad snorted and I raised an eyebrow in his direction.

'I bet none of you have ever wooed a woman off her feet,' I commented with a smug grin. Bors gave an indignant gasp, 'Never wooed a woman? Three wives and a dozen children! Never wooed woman indeed! You don't know what you speak of.'

'Not to mention some of those dozen of children you own are mine,' Lancelot piped up earning a glare from his friend.

'Who needs children when I can bed any amount of women in one night?' boasted Galahad.

'Oh come on. Aren't you the legendary knights of Samartia? Just saying that will have plenty of women flocking to you. There's no work to be done on your part,' I argued.

'There's plenty of work done on my part,' Galahad replied then broke into a smirk. I glanced in his direction and gave him a smile of sympathy, 'Don't worry. You'll grow up one day. And when you do, I promise it'll get easier.' Bors broke into loud guffaws and slapped his friend on the back heartily, 'She got you there!'

'And I suppose you don't need to grow up eh Bors?' came Galahad's reply. Bors grinned, 'Of course! Why do you think the women flock to me instead of you?' The knights broke into laughter and I smiled, stroking Slinky's fur.

'The only women that flock to you are those of your bastard children,' laughed Gawain. Bors grinned, 'And what's so wrong with that? I can count on something interesting every night.'

'Come now, those women of yours only come to you when they see I have my platter full,' Lancelot smirked.

'You mean, never?' Gawain asked with a silly grin on his face, 'Besides, I'm sure Jones here will agree with me when I say that I would be the one women flock to the most. Isn't that right Jones?' At this, he threw a heavy arm over my shoulders. I groaned under the weight of his arm combined with his armor.

'As much as I would love to prove that to be true, I think I speak for most women when I say, please don't touch me,' I replied with a grin and slipped out from under his arm.

'Oh Jones, you are being far too cold,' Gawain exclaimed with a mock hurt look on his features. I laughed and was joined in by the rest of the group. After a few more moments of the rough housing and the "witty" conversation which ended up in Bors needing to take a piss, Arthur stood up and stretched.

'Best we get some sleep. We still have two days journey to get to the wall,' Arthur announced then glanced at Tristan and Dagonet, 'Dagonet, Tristan, it's your turn for first watch, Lancelot and I will relieve you on the second.' The two men nodded as the stationed themselves on opposite sides of the tree. Tristan sitting near the horses and Dagonet towards the rolling slope which I had climbed to reach the ledge. The rest of the knights made themselves comfortable around the large tree. As for me, I went back to my original position. Beside my bike. Dagonet shifted to make room for me and I thanked him with a nod of my head. He returned the nod.

Lancelot put out the fire using dirt and his foot to smother the flames. Soon, the camp site fell into almost complete darkness. It took my eyes a few seconds to adjust to the environment. The moon shone brightly and I watched silently as the rest of the knights took their own spots. Arthur was on the ground beside Lancelot with his head propped up against a protruding tree root. As for his companion, Lancelot rolled up his cloak to make a make shift pillow and propped it against the tree.

Bors, Galahad and Gawain followed Lancelot's example in rolling up their cloak to use as pillows and made themselves comfortable against the thick trunk of the tree. Slinky retired back into my backpack and I was left alone with the two sentries. I shifted uncomfortably, then, pulled my hood up and leaned back against the trunk of the tree.

Then all was silent save for the wind whistling through the trees and the raindrops pelting against the ground with what seemed to be in increasing ferocity.

Other than that however, the night was beautiful. The trees and rain illuminated in the silvery moonlight. I sat there, watching the trees and the rain that became the wind's toys. I was mesmerized by the beauty and serenity of this forest.

Spellbound.

But all was broken when Dagonet shifted and nudged me in the side gently. I glanced at him, not realizing the time that passed.

'Sleep,' he told me in a firm voice and a stern nod. I blinked, 'I'm not tired.'

'You will be,' was all he said before he turned his attention back to the landscape. His concern touched me but I resolved not to fall asleep. Honorable as they might be, they were still men and they still possessed animalistic urges. I shuddered.

'Here,' Dagonet spoke again, taking off his cloak and held it out to me. I raised an eyebrow in his direction. He frowned, 'Cold?' I grinned, 'No… I'm used to the weather.' Which was true… I've worn nothing but a t-shirt, a shirt and a pair of pants in as low as five degrees Celsius. Not to mention the number of times my friend had invited me over to spend Christmas at his place where the temperature dropped to negative thirty below.

Dagonet merely shrugged and wrapped his own cloak around himself and I shifted again, trying to get comfortable if I was to wait out the night. I glanced at the other knights. From the steady heaving of their chests, I presumed that they were already asleep. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Galahad twitched and I looked away, drawing my focus back on the slope below us. It was then in the silent reverie that my thoughts began to run wild.

I pondered on my existence here. I was certain that whatever happened could not be deemed something as simple as time travel. That is, if time travel could be deemed simple. Being exposed to sci-fi theories of the universe and the unexplained seemed to be churning out more and more crackpot theories from my head as to why and how I got here.

Blackhole? Wormhole? Time hole?

Rip in time? Rip in space? Rip in dimensions?

The possibilities, if they existed, were endless.

Therefore, the conclusion I arrived to was that I would stop thinking about why and how. Simply because I did not want to waste the Tylenol in my bag.

A gust of wind blew past me and I shivered. Not from the cold but from the realization that perhaps, I'm not going to be going back any time soon. Dagonet however, interpreted the shudder as me being cold and for the second time that night, I refused to take the cloak from him.

It smelled anyways.

Suddenly in a melancholy mood, I glanced over at him, the sleeping knights and Tristan who was still wide awake and seemed to be making soft cooing noises to his pet. A sad smile lighted on my face as I remembered what happened in the movie. Dagonet won't make it… Tristan won't make it… I glanced at Lancelot who was now sleeping with his mouth wide open. I stifled a laugh then grew solemn. He won't make it either… I bit my lip.

'_It's not fair,_' I thought glumly to myself, '_Here are men who deserved to see their home and the remnants of their family they were torn away so cruelly from._' I glanced at Dagonet who stared straight ahead.

'_And they're not going to be granted that wish…_'

The wind whistled.

'Dagonet?'

He grunted in reply.

'Will… will you take me with you to Hadrian's wall?' I asked. I watched his features as he glanced at me but they showed nothing.

'I'm…lost.'

He nodded as if he understood me and returned his attention back to sentry duty.

I found him captivating. Here was a man, silent, reserved and seemingly, lacking emotion while later on in his life, his fateful encounter with the boy Lucan will expose his feelings of affection. Feelings of a brother and a younger sibling… no, feelings of a father and his son.

When I looked up, I realized he was staring at me with a slight frown gracing his weathered features. I raised an eyebrow in question.

'Sleep,' he insisted. I shrugged and the two of us resumed sentry duty. I sneaked a glance in Tristan's direction and caught his gaze. He was looking at the two of us in amusement. I quirked an eyebrow at him and he looked away.

I thought I caught a smile on his lips.

For the rest of the night, I refrained from making conversation with the silent knight and he stopped persisting in me getting some sleep. Soon however, even the mind can't fight against fatigue and I found myself nodding away only to shake myself awake. I shifted again to find a more comfortable spot. The bark on the tree was rough not to mention the countless rocks that jabbed me in the butt whenever I shifted my weight.

I growled, '_Now I remember why I hated camping in the first place…_'

I drew my knees to my chest and hugged myself then observed the rest of the sleeping knights. Arthur, being Arthur, was still. From the moonlight, I saw a frown gracing his sleeping features as if he was in constant battle with his dreams…or nightmares. I glanced at his companion who slept with his mouth wide open and I briefly wondered why he wasn't snoring. Bors was in a sitting position with his head crushing against the rolled up cloak, holding it in place against the trunk of the tree. His mouth was slightly opened and moving as if having a conversation with his dream wife. Galahad and Gawain seemed to be locked in a sleeping battle. One would subconsciously flip over and have an arm or a leg sprawled across the other's chest and in retaliation, the other would shift over and shove his hand in the other's face, and so on and so forth. I bit the inside of my lip to stop myself from laughing out loud and their antics.

I turned away to glance at Tristan who occupied his attention with the other side of the ledge, focused on finding that invisible enemy that seemed doubtless to be there. I shivered. Woads. That was what they called them… The blue demons. I felt a shiver run down my spine yet again and shuddered.

'Cold?' Dagonet asked yet again. I looked up and frowned, 'No.'

'Sleep,' he told me, yet again. I sighed and muttered something along the lines of shoving large pointy objects into exit only areas but decided to give in. I was tired anyways. Looking around, I found that I had nothing to rest my head against. My backpack was taken residence by Slinky and my bike was propped up to make more room for the knights. Hesitantly, I glanced at Dagonet then, feeling the blood running to face and feeling thankful that it was dark enough to hide the blush, I shifted closer towards him.

Did I mention that these guys really need to take a bath?

'Dagonet,' I whispered. He grunted softly in reply. I wrung my hands uncomfortably, 'Urm…may I… may I… would it be possible to…'

He gave me a pointed look which told me I should get to the point.

'May I er… use… your… urm… May I… that is… use you?'

Oh dear gawds… that came out wrong.

He quirked an eyebrow and smirked and I hastened to correct my mistake.

'No! Not like that!' my blush deepened, 'I need to rest my head.' He nodded and grunted in understanding before he shifted and offered his lap. I raised an eyebrow as I was thinking that perhaps the shoulder would be a better choice. As if sensing what I was thinking of, he shifted his shoulder and I heard a _'crick'_.

Ah… his shoulders were sore from leaning against the tree. I nodded in understanding and shifted to lay my head against his thigh. After a few moments, I found a comfortable position, turned my face away from his crotch area (seriously people… his lap…), pulled my coat closer around me, closed my eyes and ever so slowly, I drifted off to sleep.

'_For a knight… Dagonet is surprisingly comfortable…'_

* * *

End: Chapter Two

…

A/N: Huzzah! Another chapter done and over with. I'm not sure if I was able to capture the personality and the bickering between the knights correctly… so please forgive if there's OCCness and tell me what to do to fix it. And remember, I'm a review whore. XD Please leave a review. Mucho Thankies!


	3. Beware of Horses

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except for those who are of my own creation.

…

Chapter three: Beware of Horses

* * *

I woke up slowly. My eyelids eased up so that I viewed that morning with half closed eyes. I noted that the sun was still sleeping. I felt content to merely glance out from the undergrowth and stare at the large trees but something prompted me to get up.

And I realized what it was when something beneath me shifted.

Startled, I bolted up right into a sitting position and looked down to see exactly what moved beneath me. To my surprise, it was a leg. Two legs to be exact. Legs that were attached to torso, a chest clad in leathery armor and then, the sleeping head of Dagonet. The events of yesterday night seeped back into my head and with a sigh, I leaned back against the trunk of the tree.

"Bad dream?" someone asked. I glanced beside me to see the serious expression of the one and only Arthur. I managed a smile, "No." I returned my gaze on the landscape in front of me. The sun was ever so slowly starting to wake up with the first few rays of morning.

"Just…surprised and shocked to be here I guess," I replied truthfully. He nodded then frowned, "You really…did travel through time?" I shrugged, "It would be rather complicated to explain…but I guess that the answer is yes. Yes I did."

I laughed, "Then again, it's not exactly time really… but… I suppose discussing it with you would just leave both our heads hurting."

He nodded again and the two of us fell silent. I glanced at the tree where the horses were still tied up. Lancelot noticed me and winked in my direction. I raised an eyebrow at his actions and returned my attention to the sunrise.

Slinky, as if sensing my consciousness slipped out of my backpack and crawled into my lap. I smiled at the ferret and lifted him up to my face to give him a kiss on the top of his furry little head. He squeaked in greeting and I placed him back on my lap where he curled up to retain warmth.

I felt strangely melancholy.

"You know," said I, "I've never seen a sunrise before." Arthur glanced at me, surprised, "Do they not have a sun where you come from?"

"Oh…there is a sun. We just… never paid attention to it I guess."

"How could you not?" he asked, perplexed at my answer.

"Perhaps we were too preoccupied with our lives and troubles to witness a miracle."

I can't believe I just said that. I felt like slapping myself for being so cliché.

Arthur fell silent again before speaking again a few minutes later.

"How's your head?" he asked with concern. I blinked then reached a hand to touch the bandages around my head. He shifted his weight, "Dagonet tended to the wound and wrapped it back up again for you when we switched posts."

"Ah," was my reply though I felt a sinking feeling of dread. Why did Dagonet had to treat my wounds? From the smell, these men doesn't seem to be too big on hygiene.

I hope I don't get an infection.

"Not to seem rude or thankless… but in the future, could you not tend to my wounds if I'm able to tend to them?" I asked. Arthur raised an eyebrow, "Is this a sort of tradition from the people of the future?" I grinned, "No, it's just that I don't like making contact with other men."

It was true… partially.

Arthur raised both eyebrows, then lowered them…then lowered them again into a frown.

"So…you are attracted to…" said he before I realized just exactly what he was implying. My eyes widened, "Oh! No, no, no, nothing like that. I assure you, I'm attracted to men. I just… I'm just not comfortable with contact when they are merely acquaintances." Then, to my relief, he nodded in understanding. I watched with fascination as amusement suddenly twinkled in his eyes.

"Then what exactly were you doing with Dagonet there?" he asked, a smirk gracing his weathered features. I felt my face turn red.

"I assure you, it's nothing of that nature," said I, making a face, "I…I lacked a place to rest my head." Arthur chuckled.

"But of course," said he with a wink in my direction. I stared at him.

Oh my gawd. Arthur's like a more serious, less flirty Lancelot.

I made a face. Ew.

Almost automatically, I mumbled silent apologies to all of the Clive and Ioan fans I knew…and those that I don't know.

As the sun steadily climbed the horizon, the sleeping men rose as well. First was Tristan who looked to possess that same calm and oh-so-cool attitude as last night. He didn't look refreshed nor did he look tired which was surprising considering he only got a few hours of sleep. Next in line was Dagonet who got up and stretched his cramped muscles from last night. When he caught my eye, I nodded my thanks and he smiled and nodded back before leaving to attend to his mount.

On the way over to the tree however, he "accidentally" kicked Bors awake. The muscled man jerked awake with a grunt and glared at his companion before unleashing his bad mood on the two remaining knights on the ground who seemed to be locked in a fighting embrace. I had to bite my wrist to stop myself from collapsing in laughter. They were either having too much fun with each other or in terrible, terrible pain.

Once awake however, they realized their position and quickly untangled themselves with angry and embarrassed words. I grinned and stood up, picking Slinky up as I did so. Holding onto the ferret with one hand, I picked up my bag with the other and slung it over my back. Then, grabbing my bike, I wheeled it over to the horses where Tristan and Lancelot already mounted. But all of them rested their gaze on the strange looking contraption I now held in my hands with unease.

I quirked an eyebrow, "What? It's a bike." They stared and I sighed, "I can't just leave it lying here."

'_The archaeologists would have a field day,_' I thought to myself gloomily.

"Here," Gawain grunted, grabbing the frame of the bike and hoisted it up, looking surprised as he did so, "It's rather light. Do you think we would be able to bring it with us?" Arthur frowned, "It's too big."

I grinned at the comment before rummaging through my bag and pulled out a small case of screwdrivers with a grin, "That could be fixed."

In a few moments, I had dismantled the bike. The two wheels Galahad offered to carry, the handlebars and the seat were given to Bors and the frame which detached into several pipes were stuffed into my backpack which was then, placed on Dagonet's horse.

I grinned in triumph, "Ta da!"

"Impressive," Arthur murmured then mounted his horse, "Now we must be off." As he turned to the rest of his knights, I looked around, confused as to what I was to do.

"Here, you can ride with me," Galahad said with a smile then offered to help me mount on top of his war horse. I blanched and watched nervously as Arthur started to ride out followed by the rest of the knights.

"Urm…" I leaned over and whispered into Galahad's ear, "I've…I've never rode a horse before."

Galahad laughed so hard until tears streamed down his face.

I felt like punching his pretty little face in.

Gawain glanced behind him, waiting for us, "What's the matter?"

"She doesn't know how to ride," Galahad replied with a grin. Gawain smiled and rode over, offering me his arm from his mount.

"Come Jones, let us leave this insensitive bastard. You may ride with me," he said. I heard Galahad gave an indignant snort at his comment and I couldn't help but smile. I gripped his arm and with a grunt and to my surprise, he hoisted me up behind him with ease.

Ugh… I felt queasy.

"This is…safe?" I asked. He laughed, grabbing hold of the reins, "Just hold on tight now!" With that, the horse jerked forward and with a startled scream, I fell forward and gripped onto the knight tightly for fear of slipping off the saddle. As the horse raced to catch up with the others, I bounced uncomfortably in the saddle behind the knight.

"I don't see why men would want to ride horses. Doesn't it hurt?" I muttered. Gawain grinned, "No, it's actually quite enjoyable."

"I'll keep that in mind the next time someone kicks you in the balls," I replied with a smirk before imitating him in a high pitched voice, "Oh, no, don't bother. It's actually quite enjoyable."

Galahad who had heard rode up heard everything and burst into laughter. The rest of the knights turned around.

"What? What did I miss?" Bors asked, pulling his mount over so that he rode on the other side of Gawain. I merely grinned and shook my head, not wanting to relate the joke since the moment had already passed but Galahad spared no expense as he elaborated on what happened. Gawain rolled his eyes and sighed. I patted him on the shoulder in sympathy. As if to punish me for my little comment, he jerked the horse forward and I crashed into his armor plated back.

I clutched my nose, "What was that for?!"

"What? You don't find it enjoyable?" he asked with a grin then spurred his horse onwards before I could retort a rude comment. Instead, I clung onto his back, afraid to let go lest I find myself among the weed covered ground.

"Maybe I should've declined your offer to ride with you," I muttered darkly when we finally pulled to a rest stop for the horses. Gawain laughed, jumping off his mount and offered his arm to let me down. I took it gratefully.

"Come now, it wasn't that bad," he told me with a grin then let go. I stumbled then grabbed him to support myself.

Oh Hell. My legs had gone numb.

Seeing my predicament however, Gawain laughed. I shot him a dirty look, "you knew this was going to happen didn't you?" He grinned and shook his head, "No. No idea but I suppose this happens to all first time riders."

I managed to stumble to a tree and leaned against it as Gawain led his horse to a small stream to refresh the animal. Muttering oaths to myself, I tested my shoulders and stretched my back. Bouncing in a saddle for hours would result in a chiropractor's dream customer. I made a face with a heard a crack then slumped against the tree trunk, visibly exhausted.

"Here." A mug of water was thrust under my nose and I looked up, surprised.

"Urm…thanks" said I to Dagonet, accepting the mug from him hands. He shrugged and leaned against the tree as well, biting into an apple he pulled from one of the bags on his horse. I sniffed at the mug. Noticing, he cast me a smile.

"It's clean," he said, biting into the apple once more. Well it would be rude not to drink it… I drank the water hesitantly.

To my surprise, the water was both cool and refreshing. I was still careful on my part. Having drained half the mug, I handed it back over to Dagonet who threw the apple core on the ground and drank up the other half.

"Urm…thanks," I said again.

"It's only water," he replied, quirking an eyebrow before packing the mug back into his saddlebag. I shifted nervously, "No… for… for last night." He grinned and nodded his acknowledgement to my gratitude.

"Come on, we best be going if we want to make it to the Wall tomorrow," Arthur announced, mounting his horse yet again. The others followed suit. Gawain, yet again, rode to me and hoisted me back onto his mount. I groaned in despair, "Again?"

He nodded with a silly grin, "Don't worry, I'll be gentle this time. That is, unless you like it rough."

I laughed, "Gentle is good. Especially since that insensitive bastard is looking rather appealing as of now" Gawain summed up what he thought of my comment with a snort.

With that, we set off yet again.

…

The sun was beginning to set when Arthur announced, thankfully, that we were to pull to a stop and make camp for the night. When Gawain dragged me off his horse, I had to touch my legs to feel if they actually existed in this crazed dimension.

It certainly didn't feel like they did.

At this point, Gawain had graciously set me down beside a tree and much to my dismay, beside the horses that were also tied up to the tree. I let out a silent moan, '_Why me?_'

It was to be the most embarrassing death ever. Trampled by horses.

I glared at the beasts, '_I can hardly wait._'

As if sensing my malice, one of the war horses turned to look at me and the two of us stared at each other for a…long, long time. That is, before I nervously backed away. As if sensing my hesitation, the horse neighed and pawed the ground in front of me. I shifted my weight again, trying to get away from it…which was harder that it looked without the use of my legs.

Noticing my plight however, Galahad had came to my rescue.

Well, he was going to come to my rescue.

After he finished laughing anyways. I glowered at the man but noticing the glare, he burst into fresh peals of laughter. He was later joined by Gawain… and Bors… and Lancelot. Eventually however, it was Tristan who took pity on me and hoisted me up by the collar of my shirt rather unceremoniously and dropped me down beside another tree, away from the horses. When he left, he muttered something about useless women which caused me to prickle but I refrained from saying anything. He's actually quite intimidating in real life.

As the men started to set up camp, I started to rub some feelings back into my legs. When my legs were finally able to support me, I wobbled over to Dagonet's steed and grabbed my bag. I wobbled back to the tree again, away from the camp fire they had set up.

Tristan and Bors had managed to snag a couple of rabbits each which were now, happily turning over the fire. As hungry as I was, I don't think I like the taste or rabbit. Slinky was a whole other story. Upon smelling the meat, he had climbed out of my bag and now sat patiently in Dagonet's lap. It seemed like they had acquainted themselves during the ride here.

I rummaged through my backpack. I usually have a couple of energy bars or chocolate bars tucked away for emergencies. Emergencies such as me not being able to get back into the house because Grace has "company" over. With a cry of triumph, I fished out five bars and much to my surprise and immense delight, two packs of unopened pork jerky. In terms of beverage material, I found a can of Pepsi, a can of root beer and a half full bottle of mineral water. Vaguely, I wondered why I had two cans of pop in my bag.

"What's that?" asked Gawain, who in his curiosity, had wandered over to the tree and was now staring at the shiny packaging of the food and beverages in wonderment.

"It's food," I replied, hastily stuffing back the food.

"Food? Food does not look like… that," Lancelot commented from behind me. I almost jumped into the air. I glared at the knight who had almost succeeded in scaring the daylights out of me.

"It's food from my time."

"Hmm…I suppose we would have to believe your tall tale of you coming from the future then?" he asked with a smug look on his face. I shrugged. I wasn't in the mood.

"Believe what you want," I replied then pointed to the campfire, "Your bunny's roasting. Go." After exchanging looks, Lancelot and Gawain returned to the fire. Grabbing one of the energy bars from my bag, I unwrapped it gingerly. After a few minutes, the thing was gone and I felt slightly better. After having dined on one of Dagonet's apples for the entire day, I felt strangely full.

"Come Jones! Join us!" Bors called from the fire. I hastily grabbed the can of Pepsi, zipped up my bag and wobbled over to the fire. A space was made for me between Gawain and Dagonet.

"What's that then?" Lancelot asked, full of curiosity and gesturing to the can I held in my hand. I grinned, "It's pop." With that, I grabbed the tab at the top and pulled. Much to my delight and amusement, the can emitted a loud hissing sound as the gas escaped. In turn, causing the knights to flinch and reach for their weapons. I laughed then took a sip.

"It's safe, see?" I held out the can for them to witness. The can was greeted with murmurs from the knights. I took another sip, "By the way, your bunny's burning."

With a yell, Bors jumped and snatched the roasting meat from the fire. A small portion of the meat was now burnt black and looked rather hard to eat. Lancelot snatched up the other stick containing the other two rabbits and examined it for any inedible portions. He grinned.

"It seems like yours is the only one burnt, Bors," he commented jovially. Taking a leg, he wrenched it off and I winced when I heard the sickening crack of breaking bones. He passed the stick to Arthur who followed suit, taking the other thigh. Bors muttered his own oaths before tearing off one of the thighs of his own and passing the stick to Tristan. The passing along of food went on for a bit as each knight took a share. Upon receiving his share, Dagonet held the stick out for me and I swore I almost threw up into the can of Pepsi.

I jerked back from my seat, "Urm… no thanks." Gawain raised an eyebrow, already tearing into a piece of rabbit meat, "Not hungry? You hardly ate anything." I managed a grin, "Food from the future." The smell from the rabbit was overpowering…and not in a good way.

Nervously, I pushed back Dagonet's arm so that the offensive stick was no longer directly in front of my twitching nostrils. He merely shrugged then tore off a piece for Slinky who accepted the meat gratefully. With that, he passed it around the circle the other way. I took another sip of Pepsi, trying to force myself not to vomit. I did not want to purge the bar I just ate because that would meant that I wasted an energy bar…and who knows how long I'm going to be stuck here.

I shuddered. Not long I hope. I certainly did not want to live on rabbits for the rest of my life.

Upon finishing their dinner, the knights washed the meat down with water they had collected from the stream earlier that day. Gawain leaned his head against my shoulder, thankfully, now clear of breath from rabbit's meat, "You know Jones…I'm curious as to what that thing you've been drinking taste like."

I grinned. This was so exciting!

"Want a sip?" I asked, holding out the can. He took it from me hesitantly and my grinned widened when he lifted it up to his lips, "Just…don't drink too much at once."

Too late.

He sputtered and choked on the fizzy liquid. I snatched the can away from him before he could spill the precious contents inside. Bors rushed to thump his friend on the back in a vain attempt to relieve the choking knight.

"What did you do to him?!" Arthur exclaimed, marching into the scene. I looked at him with big innocent eyes…or at least, what I hoped were big innocent eyes.

"She has poisoned Gawain!" Bors exclaimed, pointing an accusatory finger in my direction. Arthur shot me a dangerous look and I cringed.

"It's not poison! He just drank too much too fast!" I protested. The other knights had made a wall between me and their comrades and I watched with crazed fear (and maybe a little bit of embarrassment) as their hands inched towards their weapons.

"Gawain?" I called, whimpering, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," he croaked out then slumped against the tree, breathing hard. The knights quickly looked towards their "fallen" comrade while Arthur stood where he was, fixing a stern gaze on me.

"It's not poison! He just drank too fast!" I protested again. I held out the can, "Watch." With that, I took another sip and looked at him pointedly, as if proving that the can of Pepsi wasn't poison.

Meanwhile, Gawain was starting to protest against the attention his comrades were giving him. He roughly shoved Galahad away as he stood up, "I'm fine! I'm fine!" He then glanced in my direction with a grin, "Other than the burning sensation, I'd have to say that whatever you have your in hand is certainly, quite different from wine." He licked his lips, "It's certainly sweeter than wine."

"See? See? He's fine! He's alright!" I exclaimed, pointing at Gawain in an almost hysterical manner. Arthur still gave me a stern look before leaving to inspect his companion himself. I quickly left the scene, can of Pepsi in one hand, a fist in the other, and headed for the tree where my backpack awaited me.

I sat down, exhausted. I'm just going to stay out of their way for tonight. With one last swig, I finished rest of the can and stuffed it into a spare pocket in my backpack. I'll have to find some way to discard it later. Seeing as how Slinky had taken a shine towards Dagonet, I left him with the knight. Taking my bag and placing it behind me, I tried to find a comfortable position against the tree.

And since I wasn't much of an outdoors person, I failed miserably.

"Blasted tree," I muttered under my breath, glaring at the trunk as if my glare would make the hard bark turn into a soft pillow. With a sigh, I placed the bag on the ground and lied down, resting my head against the bag. I glanced back at the campfire. Apparently, sentry duty was thrust upon Gawain and Galahad for the first shift with Bors and Dagonet on the second. I felt sorry for Dagonet having spent two consecutive nights on sentry duty.

Only for a little while though. He was a knight after all, he was probably used to this by now. I closed my eyes and with a small murmur, tried to get some sleep before the day starts… all over again for me tomorrow morning.

Ah… fucking hell. I'm really starting to hate horses.

* * *

End: Chapter Three

…

A/N: And yet another chapter is completed. Huzzah and all that. And because I'm bored and it's fun to do… I'm going to reply to reviewers! (yaaaay!) And because it's simpler this way, I'm going to answer a lot of reviewers by stating that: I do not know of I'm going to kill any of them off. Maybe… maybe not. I guess we'll see how it plays out since I'm playing with the different concepts and the theory of the whole "Every action has an equal reaction" thing.

**Manic P:** Wai! You don't know how much that means to me, especially from a writer like yourself. Now shoo and go update "Thousand Mile Wish".  
**Racynacch**** SilverMoon:** I agree with what you said about the quotation marks and have taken your advice. Is it better and easier to read?  
**Sweet A.K: **Thanks! I feel much better now about the bickering thing between the knights. It somehow doesn't seem right in my head.  
**Pencil3: **You know, you're like the only reviewer I have that has reviewed both my stories. For that, you deserve a special glomp! GLOMP  
**satine19: **Hmm… I don't know about romance because this is supposed to be more of a funny, sarcastic kind of fanfic… but I guess we'll see how it turns out. In any case, I'd rather if you not label my character a Mary Sue because to me, the term has negative connotations attached. OCs are probably a more accurate term.  
**DemonicKiwi****:** salutes Yessir! Er… yes ma'am? 0  
**whitespirit2: **Thanks! I try to be creative… well no, I guess the main reason is because I was trying to find a reason to taser Cynric… Aaaaah… I love Cynric. No, I don't think I want to venture into Shakespearean language… I'll deal with that in English class. -  
**bakachan17: **Huzzah! Another satisfied customer.  
**ShyLittleViolet****: **Heh heh heh… dimension hopping and all it joys…which incidentally and rather conveniently includes hot shexy men. Rawr.

A/N(2): See? I even replied your reviews! Now review some more! Go clicky the little button… clickety clicky click click! Click it I say!


	4. Beware of Humorless Men

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except for those who are of my own creation.

…

Chapter Four: Beware of Humorless Men

* * *

I woke up rather unpleasantly compared to the yesterday morning. Instead of the solid ground and the soft pillow of Dagonet's thigh, I woke up…tied to Gawain's horse. I was lying flat on my stomach, strapped in securely by ropes, draped across the horse and right in front of the rider so that at almost every bounce, his knee smacked me in the face.

I leaned to the side, trying to get away as far away from his knee as possible.

"Ah! I see you're awake!" Galahad greeted cheerfully as he rode up beside Gawain's horse. I mumbled a greeting in return. Even though I couldn't see him, I could hear Gawain's snickering from behind my head.

"Why am I tied up like this?" I questioned, relaxing my back so that it would be less sore later on. Now Tristan road up beside Galahad so that if I lifted my head away from the rather unpleasant view of the horse's… er… reproductive equipment, I would have an equally pleasant view of Galahad's legs and Tristain's foot.

I didn't know Galahad shaved his legs…

"Woads," Tristain murmured in reply to the question which was no longer in my head.

"Now?" I asked. Galahad shook his head, "No, at the campsite." Gawain laughed, "It seemed like such a shame in waking you up that we decided to just string you up and bring you along."

"And I suppose it was your idea eh?" I asked sarcastically. Gawain merely laughed. I sighed as we continued to bounce along the road.

"If anything happens to cause this horse to gallop, I'll kill the person with my bare hands," I muttered, more to myself than to any of the knights. Galahad made a sympathetic sound, "Oh? Why's that? You seem to be enjoying your position rather well." I shot him a glare as best I could from the position I was in causing both Galahad and Gawain to erupt into laughter.

"How long do I have to stay like this?" I groaned. I felt ready to throw up. Gawain laughed, "You could get up right now if you want. But I'd rather you not. I'm quite enjoying the view."

Yeah… that was it. Hastily, I tested my legs and my arms before I tried to right myself up on the moving horse.

"Hey now, you'll hurt my mount if you do that," Gawain said, laughing. I growled in frustration.

"Oh here, let me untie you first," he offered as he loosed the ropes that tied me to the horse. Unfortunately, those ropes were the only things holding me in place on the moving horse and with a squawk, I fell off the moving back.

And landed on the muddy ground with a loud squelching sound. When I looked up from where I now lay, all I could see were gigantic hooves. If I hadn't rolled over, I would've been trampled by Galahad's mount.

My head rang from the fall. I think I jarred my spine on the landing.

"Jones?" someone called from the distance. I didn't know who. My ears were ringing. The only thing I could hear clearly was the beating of my heart. Ever so slowly, my vision blurred, pixilated then went out completely and all I saw were blinking white dots on black. Someone said something and I felt a hand grab my arm to lift me up. The fall must have done something to my legs because I suddenly couldn't feel them. My head swam and I clung onto the person for support. The person said something again.

"Shh… please don't say anything. Let me get my vision back," I replied but heard my voice from a distance. Gently, I managed to pry my arm from the grip and sank down to the ground. Squatting and bent over so that the blood would flow into my head.

Painstaking slowly, my vision returned, bit by bit. Next to return was my hearing and I could identify which voice belonged to which person. Then, power to my limbs as I slowly and shakily got up but not without experiencing a head rush.

"Are you…alright?" Gawain asked hesitantly with a guilty look etched across his face. I managed a grin, "Yes, I'm fine now. The rest of the knights had gathered around me. The tension was so thick that I had to say something to dispel their concern.

"I bet I look like something from the stables right now," said I, looking down at my now dirty coat which was thankfully buttoned up so none of my clothes inside got dirty. Lancelot grinned, "But you smell a lot better than anything that could come from the stables." His mount gave a snort and pawed the ground upon hearing the insult dished out by his master. We shared a laugh before Gawain mounted back on his steed and reached out a hand for me. I looked at him hesitantly.

"Don't worry," he said with a sympathetic smile, "I won't hurt you." I searched his face for a moment before I reached out gingerly and grabbed his arm. With a grunt, he hoisted me on his horse so that I sat in front of him. Circling my waist with one arm and holding the reins with his right hand, I almost felt like I was being suffocated in his embrace. But regardless, his concern for my well being touched me.

Besides, it was a hell lot more comfortable than being tied down to the damned animal. I shifted in the saddle and leaned back so that my head rested against his armored chest. And we bounced onwards.

"Comfortable?" he asked and I almost purred when I felt the rumbling of his chest when he spoke. Of course, realizing what I almost did, I mentally slapped myself.

"Quite," I said in what I hoped was to be a casual manner though I knew it wasn't perfectly true. At every bump, the back of my head made contact with his armored chest somewhat painfully. And of course, there was still that nasty smell of sweat that all of the knights carried.

I'm so going to ask for a bath when we reach Hadrian's Wall. I made a thoughtful sound. Perhaps there might be some way to get these guys to bathe as well.

I had to bite my lip when my mind conjured up of the knights in a giant tub, covered in bubbles, splashing around and playing with rubber duckies. The image was abandoned when Gawain leaned over to whisper into my ear, "Look, we're almost there." I glanced up and let out a low appreciative whistle.

"You said it," said Bors as he broke into a grin.

Hadrian's Wall may seem unimpressive in the twenty first century when compared along side with the Great Wall of China but here, in its past glory, it was absolutely breathtaking. To be frank, neither the movie nor the novel did any justice to the enormous wall which lay, stretched out as far as the eye can see.

True, perhaps I was over-exaggerating a bit but I shall blame that on the fact that I was overwhelmed by the sight.

"Come on now," Gawain murmured into my ear which sent shivers down my spine and he urged the horse forwards towards the massive Wall.

"Seems like our little guest is very much impressed," Lancelot commented with a grin in my direction before he spurred his own mount onwards to ride beside Arthur. I flipped him a finger behind his back.

Galahad raised an eyebrow at my gesture, "What…does that mean?" I merely smirked and shrugged. Gawain laughed, "Seems like Lady Jones here don't take too well to your attention. Perhaps you could tell me?" I laughed at his comment and slapped him on the thigh, "What did I say about the 'Lady' comments?"

"Just Jones, yes we know," Gawain replied impishly.

"Oh stop flirting," Bors retorted as he rode up beside us, "the two of you is making me sick."

"Missing Vanora?" Lancelot asked with a smirk. Bors grinned, "Don't I always?"

I resisted the urge to go "aawwwwwww…"

"But it will be a shame when you find out she misses me more than you!" Lancelot exclaimed with a laugh.

I resisted the urge to throw my boot into his face.

I gave Bors a sideways glance. He was laughing but I fancied I saw a hurt look flash across his features before he quickly covered it up. So, I decided to give the big guy a little distraction.

"I wasn't flirting with him. He was flirting with me. It's different," I told him indignantly, jabbing a thumb in Gawain's direction. Gawain snorted with laughter behind me.

"Flirting with you? I wasn't flirting with you! I was merely keeping you entertained!" was his argument. Now it was Bors' turn to snort with laughter.

"It's not my fault that you're such a flirt with anything that has breasts," I laughed. Gawain leaned forward and rumbled into my ear, "I apologize but it doesn't seem like you have any."

I winced. Oh… that was low.

"So what you're saying is that I'm not good enough for you simply my breasts are too small?" I asked with a quirked eyebrow and a frown. But inside, I was bursting with laughter. It was one of those… women mind tricks and from his gaping mouth and frowning eyes…

"I did not mean to offend!" he exclaimed almost desperately. I huffed. Besides us, Bors, Galahad and Lancelot seemed about to collapse with laughter. I feared for their mounts.

"Oh of course not. Not meaning to offend just like the way you pushed me off your horse or the fact that you just insulted my breasts?" I demanded, crossing my arms across my chest and giving him my best death glare.

"That's not what I meant!" Gawain exclaimed yet again, "Your breasts are perfectly fine and round and… and…"

"Juicy?" Bors suggested with a snicker.

"Why are you even looking at my breasts?" I asked, turning up the intensity on the death glare. By now, Dagonet, Arthur and Tristan had joined in listening to the small argument between Gawain and me with interested looks on their faces. To see how their flustered friend would fare against a strange girl like me perhaps.

"I'm a man! It's rather hard not to," protested Gawain. I snorted with disbelief, "That's the oldest argument in the book. If you're going to blame all your faults on being a man, the rest of the world would be cowering under a woman's gaze by now."

"Like it's not?" Bors muttered to himself absentmindedly. Galahad nudged his muscled friend in the side, a grin plastered on his features as he returned his attention back to Gawain and I.

Gawain opened his mouth to protest… then closed it… then opened it again… then closed it. That was it, I had to laugh.

"You…you were only playing me!" he exclaimed, throwing his arms into the air. I grinned, "I'm sorry, I couldn't keep it up any more. You looked like a goldfish." I proceeded to imitate him with exaggerated motions.

"Now I have to wonder if it's appropriate to be aroused by that," Lancelot commented with a smirk. Bors snickered.

"What's a goldfish?" Galahad asked with a frown.

"Some type of fish I imagine," Arthur mumbled.

"But why would it be called a goldfish? Is it made of gold?" Bors asked.

"I'd imagine not else it would sink," Tristan replied.

"If it doesn't swim, it's not a fish," Dagonet said, nodding his head.

I rolled my eyes, "Are we there yet?"

"You have eyes, you can see," Gawain retorted, obviously a little bruised from the fact that I turned him into the butt of a joke.

Indeed.

We were nearing the large double doors that was the main gate. I shifted in the saddle excitedly. We're almost there, we're almost there, we're almost there!

As we neared, one of the guards posted on the wall recognized Arthur and gave the signal for the gates to be opened. With much groaning and squeaking, the large doors slowly opened to admit the seven horses and eight people. A thin wiry man dashed out and greeted Arthur and the knight bent down to whisper something into his ear. I tilted my head as I watched him.

He glanced in my direction, looked me up and down, frowned before nodding to Arthur's request and dashed off. Noticing my interest, Gawain leaned over to whisper into my ear again, "That's Jols. Our squire."

"Ah," was my comment. So that's Jols… he looked slightly different from the screen. I shrugged. No matter. I glanced around my surroundings now that we were inside Hadrian's Wall. The first thing I noticed was the women. The many, many women who now clustered around the knights as we rode towards the small stable area of the knight's quarters. Some of them giggled behind their hand, some of them held out flagons, offering them a drink, some of them accidentally exposed skin in a flirty, suggestive way. I noticed that a small group of them pointed to me and giggled.

"Hmmm… talk about blow to self-esteem," I muttered. Gawain smiled.

"I'm sure they don't know you're very much a lady." His comment earned him another slap on the thigh and he winced.

"I was just trying to reassure you," he muttered.

"No 'lady' comments," I replied with a scowl. He snorted and turned his attention to a girl who was offering him a flagon of wine while flirting shamelessly. I fought the urge to roll my eyes when Gawain smiled and winked back suggestively as he accepted the flagon. After taking a long swig, he handed the empty flagon to the girl who followed the moving mount. She giggled behind her hands while she chatted with her envious friends and followed us back to the stables where I slid off thankfully without breaking or falling. I turned my attention away from Gawain who was obviously making plans for a later rendezvous with the girl. I focused my attention on Arthur instead.

He was talking and saluting one of the Roman officers with Jols who had returned to his side. The squire threw me a sidelong glance before he looked away, focusing his attention back on the Roman officer who was replying to whatever question Arthur gave him. The solider nodded to Arthur before he left, head held high with his nose in the air as if he was king of the world. Arthur glanced in my direction, noticed I was staring at him, smiled and motioned for me to advance.

I cocked an eyebrow in his direction before stuffing my hands in my pockets and quickly made my way towards him.

"Jones, Jols will take you to my room. I have asked him to run a bath for you so that you may clean yourself," he tilted his head and a thoughtful clucking sound, "I suppose I would need to get you a few dresses…"

I blanched.

"No, no, no, I'd prefer men clothing," I told him with a nod of my head. He gave me a hard stare while Jols gaped at me. I shifted uncomfortably.

"Such a thing is unheard of for a lady," Arthur told me with a stern look. I looked at him exasperatedly, "I told you, I'm not a lady so stop calling me that. And I'd rather not wear dresses… I…" I shot a look at the knights who were now mingling freely among the crowd of delighted women.

"I'd really prefer not to have that kind of an effect on another man," I told him, jerking a thumb in the direction of the small crowd. The knight stroked his chin thoughtfully before he sighed in resignation and sized me up.

"Very…well… But whatever the consequences or gossip that may spread would be entirely your own fault, am I clear?" he asked me. I nodded.

"You are about Jol's height though your shoulders are less broad. You may borrow a set of his clothes for now until we find you some decent clothing," he told me then glanced at Jols who muttered something under his breath before he held out his arm as an offering to take me. I raised an eyebrow at his behavior. Arthur gave me another one of his looks, "Take his arm, he'll lead you to my quarters and to your bath."

I glanced at the offered arm again before with a sigh, I tentatively took it and allowed myself to be led away from the loud noises outside and into one of the many doorways leading inside the stone building. Not that Jols is all that bad mind you. Just…don't want to touch him is all.

As we walked down the long hallway inside that surrounded a garden, Jols made no attempt to strike up any sort of conversation. His behavior made me nervous and soon, I tried to converse with the rather cute looking squire.

"So…" I mumbled, "your name is Jols?" He nodded his head stiffly. I chewed on my bottom lip.

"Er…do you have a last name?" I tried again. He looked at me strangely and I wondered if it was because he did not know what a last name was, he did not own one or because I wasn't supposed to speak. Whatever the reason may be, I sighed.

"What? Why aren't you talking? It's really strange," I finally told him. He bowed his head apologetically, "forgive me Lady Jones, I am not in a position where a lowly servant like myself should converse with you."

I looked at him flabbergasted, then wrenched my arm away from his.

"Alright. Let's get one thing clear," I told him, shaking a stiff index finger in front of his face.

"I am not a Lady and you will not address me as such. At the moment, I look like a pile of dog shit." Jols seemed appalled my language. "Furthurmore! If you were in the society that I lived in, we would be equals regardless of who we are. You, in your opinion may be a lowly servant but what does that make me? I'm just some girl they found lying in a ditch somewhere. So in that sense, I'm actually your inferior so stop acting like some ass-kissing lap dog!"

Jols stared at me blankly and not a word was spoken between us for what seemed like hours. Finally, he broke into an amused smile and offered his arm again, "Shall I escort you to your room Lady Jones? Your bath is waiting."

I scowled, "Just lead the damned way you fucking retard." He turned around and started walking. I followed behind, scowling and glaring at his back.

I thought I saw his shoulders shake with controlled laughter as we continued to walk down the hallway.

* * *

End: Chapter Four

…

A/N: Gah, sorry this took so long. I got sidetracked with other things going on. There was a convention and I had to get my costumes done and then there was the beginning of school. But lo and behold! The fourth chapter in all its glory. Damn. Haven't been on for awhile. In any case, hope you enjoyed that and again, please review. I'm a review whore. Haha.

**bakachan17**: Haha, mission successful! I happen to like OCs when they're brilliantly written and I like self-insertions to the point where it's actually the fan who gets transported into the world because I love to read about the interaction between the fan and how the characters would react. When written well anyways. That's sort of my goal so… YAAAAAY! I've achieved part of it. :D  
**Manic P**: Haha, Pepsi is the best. Kinda makes you wonder how Gawain would react to fast food… Thanks for your comment! J  
**lolita**: I don't know about romance since this is more for humorous entertainment value. I mean… damn, there are so many times wisecracks I could make. And aawww… what's wrong with Dag? He's so awesome.D  
**Pencil3**: Lol. You know for torture purposes, I could kill off Lancelot for fun… Hmm….  
**Lea of Mirkwood**: Aawwww… you made me blush. And I love that phrase! "It's a plausible reaction to an incredible situation." It just rolls off the tongue so pleasantly.  
**Nini****-Mouse, Electrocuted Sheep**: First…wow, that's a long name to type out. Second, YAY FOR DAG! D Haha, glad you liked the Pepsi part. Seems like it's a fav. And mucho luckies on writing KA fanfics.  
**TalkIsCheap**: And there you go! D (love the name by the way. Every time I read it, I nod my head and go, "It sure is.")  
**WarAdmiral**: Lol, thanks for the review and yes… yes it can. Pepsi is dangerous when drank wrong… and I know first hand. My nose burned horribly.  
**Catherine: **Isn't humor just the grandest thing? Thanks for the review! D  
**darknausicaa**: Thanks! D I'm trying to get as far away as this being a Mary-sue while making it an OC fic.  
**Arantxa**: Thanks for the review! As a reward, here's chapter 4, lol.


	5. Beware of Drunk Horny Men

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except for those who are of my own creation.

…

Chapter Five: Beware of Drunk, Horny Men

* * *

  
"The room, Lady Jones," Jols told me, opening the door that led to Arthur's chambers. I glared at him and flipped him the bird. He smiled at me. The type of smile you give to other people's kids when they're bothering you. The 'I'll-tolerate-you-but-you-should-know-that-I-don't-like-you" smile.

"Your bath is drawn in the back. The clothes are laid out on the bed. Arthur will send for you nearing the evening," with that, he bowed, exited and closed the door behind him. I scowled at the door before turning my attention to the room of the famed King Arthur. Messy…but that's understandable

A small fire cackled in the fireplace, one of the few light sources in the room. Grabbing the articles of clothing on the bed which consisted of leggings, a tunic, a belt and what looked like a shirt with no collar, I carefully made my way into the back of the room where I discovered a smaller room with a large wooden tub that looked like it was made from cutting an unusually large barrel in half. I dipped a finger in to test the temperature and found, much to my pleasure, that the water was nice and warm. I quickly stripped off my coat and "hung it up" carelessly by flinging it to the side of the room. Next to go was my shirt, then pants, then underwear. The latter being hung with the clothing I was given.

Yes, I know it's dirty underwear but dirty underwear is better than no underwear am I right?

I made a mental note to ask about loincloths.

Once stripped, I slid into the large tub with a sigh. The water surrounded my aching joints and I smiled as sank into the water before surfacing again. I glanced around the tub for something that seemed familiar. A comb or soap or something.

The good news was that I found a comb.

The bad news was that I _only_ found a comb.

But ah well, when in Rome right?

I snickered at the joke before I slapped myself into reality. That was a horrible joke.

I started to struggle with my hair with the comb. There were tangles and knots that were hard to pull apart. There was mud because of the fall, no thanks to Gawain. To my surprise, there were also remnants of grass. And yes, again, no thanks to Gawain.

Mental note to self, shove Gawain into a big pile of horse crap.

I soaked a little before I decided to get out of the tub. The water was quick to get cold and I'm quite certain that I looked better than I did an hour ago though that cannot be justified because of a lack of a mirror. However, judging from the color the water turned into, I didn't need a mirror to confirm that statement. A clean me is a happy me. I quickly dressed into the clothes Jols provided and thanked the stars that at least the clothes didn't smell like horse dung. So it was with a smile on my face that I exited dear Arthur's chambers. Of course, that smile was wiped off my face once I saw that Jols was standing outside the door.

That little man was really starting to scare me.

He bowed and as if sensing my discomfort, said, "I was told to wait on you Lady Jones." My right eye twitched but I drew in a deep breath and answered in a strained and polite manner, "there was no need to do so and it would be _just_ lovely if you would refer to me as Jones instead of _Lady_ Jones."

He bowed yet again, "But of course. Arthur also requests your presence." I gave Jols a _look_, "Do you happen to know what this is about?" He shook his head then started to walk away. Assuming he wanted me to follow him, I hurriedly bustled after him.

He has a nice butt though, I'll give him that.

No! Bad thought! Bad thought!

I rushed forward and fell in step with the squire on his right hand side. He gave me a queer look before he continued, leading me towards more hallways where the blazing torches chased away the shadows. To tell the truth, it wasn't because I wanted to be beside him that I rushed… I just rather not play that thought in my mind when the bait was shaking, I mean wiggling, I mean… You know what? Screw it.

"We're here," came the soft murmur of Jols. I gaped at him and pointed, slack-jawed, at the large towering doors we now stood in front of. He merely smiled a secret little smile which created an impulse in me to whack him before he opened the doors. Squires are evil.

"Jones!" came a burly voice before I was grabbed by the wrist and led to the most amazing room I have ever set eyes on. That's right. There's the round table in all its glory. I glanced at Bors who had my wrist in his hand and he had a grin the size of Canada plastered on his face.

"Wat'cha think?" he boomed and gestured to the room with a ridiculous wave of his hands. I bit my lip and raised an eyebrow. That eyebrow raised even higher when I saw him take a long drink from a golden goblet.

"He's drunk!" laughed another one of the knights from behind me, causing me to jump. I whirled around and saw a grinning Galahad, raising another golden goblet in toast before, like Bors, drank deeply from it. I shuddered and grimaced when he wiped his wine stained lips with the back of his hand.

"Are you _all_ drunk?" I asked, frowning. I've had experience with drunk men before… They're entertaining… for the first fifteen minutes. Then they start to get grabby in the wrong places.

"Of course not! We've only started!" Lancelot laughed heartily before taking a long drink from his as well. Galahad laughed and grabbed me at my waist before he spun me around with a loud boisterous laugh, "Come, join us!" Except he slurred his words so it sounded a lot more like, "Karm, jaine usoooo". Or at least, something to effect. I disentangled myself from his arms, "Urm, yeah Darth Vader. No thanks. Where's Arthur?"

Galahad looked confused, "Darth Vader? I'm Galahad! Prettiest one of them all!" Upon saying this, he staggered, did something that vaguely resembled a ballerina twirling and took another drink. Of course, Lancelot quickly butted in with his own opinion on his boyish/girlish good looks.

"Yer all crazy. I'm the most beautiful of alla yous here," Bors interrupted the sissy match. The room broke out in loud guffaws of laughter and the knights began to wrestle. I rolled my eyes and sighed, "Anyone?"

"He's down that hallway," Dagonet, seemingly the only sane one in the room of drunks said, pointing out a small corridor off to the side. I noticed the large goblet in his hands.

Hmm…must be a sober drunk.

Stepping gingerly around the drunken knights, I thanked Dagonet with a forced smile before proceeding down the hallway cautiously. Hey, if these guys were drunk, there's no telling what condition Mr. King is going to be in.

Reaching the end of the dimly lit hallway, I glanced about for a doorknob of some kind only to find a rather grubby looking brass door knocker. Taking it, I knocked three times and waited for some sign of admittance. This came when the door creaked open. The noise sent shivers up and down my spine. It was just like a scene from a horror movie. Taking a deep breath, I stepped in.

Now I couldn't say which the worse choice was. The taking a deep breath or stepping into the room. (I was later to find out that the door was indeed unlocked) First off, the inhaling deeply in a place where there were no proper ventilation system and indoor plumbing, **especially** indoor plumbing, was a bad idea. The placed reeked… and reeked it did. Second mistake, when nobody answers the knocking, don't ever step in because they might not be aware of you …and they might be preoccupied.

In this situation, both was the case. The first thing I saw was a naked Arthur soaking in a wooden tub …with two rather attractive looking peasant women… bathing him. Now, under normal circumstances, I would've shielded my eyes, turned red and walked out the door with a squeaky, "sorry." But as we all know, this was not a "normal" situation. No, of course not.

I began choking on the arid air.

Yes… that's right. And guess how they noticed me.

Yeah… that's how. When you're interrupted by a choking girl that's incidentally dressed as a rather exotic looking page boy… you can't exactly ignore it.

So it was with a shout of surprise that Arthur stood up from the wooden tub and saluted me with a… well I won't go there.

"Jones!" he exclaimed in surprise. The two women shot me venomous looks for having interrupted their "fun" time. No doubt with Arthur as the rubber ducky. I was unconcerned with those two but at the sight of Arthur in all his … glory I began to sputter even more. I blushed, I flushed, I turned an interesting shade of red that I believe has yet to be found. I died of embarrassment. And all that while I was still choking and sputtering for air. Aren't I a productive one?

"Jones! GET OUT!" Arthur exclaimed before realizing his own undressed state and tried vainly to shield himself. At that moment, I became obedient… for just a few minutes as I dashed out the door and slammed it shut. Sinking to the floor outside the door, I managed to catch my breath. Then, after having reassembled my thoughts I began to howl with laughter as I stagger back to the table of drunken knights.

Needless to say, Dagonet gave me a rather interesting expression when I staggered out of the hallway. This merely sent me into new peals of laughter and I sank to the floor yet again, too exhausted and laughing too hard to do anything else. By the end of it all, my sides ached painfully and I swore one of my lungs collapsed.

A few minutes later, Arthur emerged from the hallway. He was hastily dressed, his hair was still wet and his face was flushed. When he turned and caught my eye, he turned a deeper shade of crimson and I grinned like a Cheshire cat. Noticing our exchange, Dagonet raised an eyebrow and stared at me before I shrugged and promised him a juicy tale later. Mr. King shot me a stern look before clearing his throat and addressing the now somewhat sober knights.

I shook my head in wonder and muttered to myself, "how do they sober up so quickly?"

Hearing my rather rhetoric question, Tristan leaned over and muttered, "respect." Dagonet's head bobbed in agreement. I rolled my eyes.

"Knights! Today we return safely."

Mr. King's companion nodded and murmured in agreement.

"Tonight! We shall feast."

Another round of murmured approval and small snickers. Lancelot answered with a joyous exclamation, "And feast we shall! On women flesh." The table broke into guffaws of laughter. I winced.

"Tomorrow! I shall meet you here and we shall discuss our last mission to Rome."

The table broke into loud cheers as Arthur grinned like a schoolboy and returned to the room from where he came from. Well, I suppose he's feasting on two tonight.

I shook my head. This was why he wanted me to stay and see? Loud, drunk and extremely horny men cheering and jumping around?

I snorted, "I'll take my chances with Jols. At least his own personality isn't a threat to my ears."

"Pardon?" Dagonet had heard my own self murmured thought. I turned pink, "nothing…nothing at all."

"Come on Jones! Tonight we celebrate!" Galahad exclaimed before latching onto my wrist and dragging me out of a door the rest of the knights exited. Not knowing my way around this place, I allowed myself to be dragged, carried, hassled, pushed, shoved and poked to the outside where many others were already in their own form of merrymaking. The cool night air that smelled of pleasant burnt wood and roast meat was a welcome to the dank and musty smell of inside. As the knights drank and contested between each other, I observed the whole community silently. I studied Gawain's and Tristan's contest of skill with a dagger on a wooden board and how Gawain fumed and went after Tristan like a dog while Tristan took in the barrage of contest in a strangely calm drunkenness. I noticed the lewd looks Lancelot shot Bors' wife and the hand that followed to her backside. I resisted the urge to nail him in the head with one of those funny looking metal mugs. I was so disturbed, I probably would've chucked a hefty sized rock from the ground if given the chance. I saw how Galahad flirted shamelessly with the other ladies…and how badly he was at the sport. I smiled at the way Bors handled his many children, giving each a piggy back ride on his shoulders as he carried them one by one back home and, I assumed, to bed. And, I watched Dagonet watching me. I raised an eyebrow.

"Yes?"

He shrugged and took a long drink from his goblet.

I coughed into my fist and folded my arms across my chest, "you're not much of a talker are you?"

He looked at me thoughtfully as if considering a challenge, "no… drink's good."

I smirked, "not a good conversationalist either huh?"

"The meat is good too."

"…you're not even listening to me are you?"

"Drink and meat are good."

"Can't you talk about anything else?"

He paused before he broke into a grin, "when drink and meat is good, life's good." With that, he walked away. I blinked.

"Well…that was an interesting little conversation," I muttered to no one in particular.

"Yes, he's an odd one but he has a good heart."

I jumped, startled out of my wits at the sudden intrusion. My eyes met the eyes of Bors wife, stunning for her age and for the time period they live in despite the tattered and dirty clothing.

She smiled, "Did I startle you?" I shook my head, suddenly a mute. Well at least Lancelot got taste in women.

She refilled a pitcher with mead from behind the makeshift countertop as she spoke to me, "I'm Vanora, Bors' wife. You must be Jones." She smiled at me, "Bors told me all about your condition. If you would like, I have a few dresses that I no longer fit. You could make use of those."

I shook my head and smiled, "no, it's perfectly alright. I much prefer this attire."

She looked me up and down and raised an eyebrow before shaking her head, "well whatever you wish. I must warn you however." She leaned forward to speak into my ear softly, "if you prefer a man's attire, you must thread carefully around the locals. Some do not think it right and will speak their mind quite vehemently through their actions…"

I understood her at once.

"I shall exercise the utmost caution."

At this, her face brightened and she smiled, "now, come! You must eat! You must be starving. I know the food's good and you must be hungry. Come Jones, come and join us."

And I did.

Of course, I wasn't stupid enough to drink what they gave me unless Vanora assured me it was only water. But other than that, I found myself agreeing to Dagonet's viewpoint. The roasted meat was extra delicious and juicy and the company was great. In his words, life was good.

After the night was done, I helped Dagonet and Tristan to drag their traveling companions back into their respectful beds. I don't think I've gotten more exercise than that one night. Bors was a pain in the rear end. Vanora had to assist us since we weren't taking him into the large building but back to his own family… who happened to live, rather inconveniently, about half a block away. Now half a block might not seem like much but when you're carrying a man like Bors, groping around in the dark and stumbling every few steps on another drunkard, it was more challenging that anything I could imagine.

At the end, Tristan bade us goodnight and left while Dagonet led me back into Arthur's bedroom that was to act like my quarters. I thanked him and bid him a goodnight as he left. Upon closing the door, I hopped onto the straw filled mattress and collapsed onto it, purely exhausted from the night's activities. Hauling drunk knights around was no fun. I stretched and sighed, content with my current situation. Even though Arthur's room smelled dank and musty, I grew used to it and welcomed the warmth of the dying fire. I sighed again, pulling up the blankets around me and rolled myself in it before snuggling into straw filled pillow. I murmured something incoherent, yawned and began to drift off to sleep. I could see fluffy white clouds and sheep greeting me just over the horizon…

When of all a sudden, my bliss was interrupted by a sudden scream and bolted out of bed, looking around wide eyed. A loud thumping noise followed soon after and I jumped out of bed and ran around, trying to find the cause of it.

Nothing. I settled back down on the bed and looked around with a frown.

"_THUMP_" the noise came again. I jumped.

"_THUMP_"

"_THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP_"

Then my ears caught a moaning sound from the right wall… which to my knowledge, was Lancelot's room. My eyes widened in realization as I heard a familiar male voice moan loudly.

With a frustrated yell, I buried my head under the pillow, "oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me."

* * *

End: Chapter Five

…

A/N: Dear Hermes, that took a long time to write. I swear, I think I'm growing senile at such a young age. That's bad. Very bad indeed. In any case, there ya go. Fifth chapter. It's taking them awfully long to get to the main action. I think I miss them Saxons. AP English is starting to get on my nerves. Blagh. Ah well… at least I got to read a knight related story. Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. That was fun. J Alright now all you go review now ya hear? scampers off

**WarAdmiral**: Huzzah! Another satisfied customer! Thanks for the compliments, my ego is well fed and very happy. If it could, it would kiss you.  
**Nini**** the Electrocuted Sheep**: Long? Tsk tsk, mines a word longer than yours! So hah! Well from what I understand, all of the knights are shameless flirts. Haha. I liked the whole Galahad shaving legs thing too. I don't know if that's in the movie though… hmm… makes a mental note to watch it again Awww you like my humor? Most people say it's weird. Heh. I showed them!  
**Lindalee4**: Yay! I aim to please.  
**Manic P**: "small g" god status? What about now? Is it bigger now? waits  
**Arantxa**: Yes ma'am! And there ya go.  
**Tool against injustice in the writer community**: now THAT'S a long name. And I prefer the term Original Character. A mary-sue is only a mary-sue if the character seems too perfect to be true. Besides, this is more for humor purposes. I'm writing to make people laugh and I'm trying to make it as realistic and believable as possible. As for the "girl falls into movie thing is so old" comment, yes, I'm quite aware of that. I'm trying to place a new spin on it. The summary is meant to be written with a sarcastic tone. Please email me privately if you wish to discuss this further. I'll be glad to listen to your views on how and why you think my character is a mary sue. Thanks for taking the time to review!  
**BillieLiv**: Done and done. :)  
**half-pint4**: Huzzah! Another satisfied customer. :) I love writing self-insertions. I can be as sarcastic as I want.  
**Voided**: I don't know about multiple fandoms. They're hard and confusing to write. For me anyways. Thanks for reviewing!  
**ScreamMyLungsOut**: An ambulance? gasps I should put a warning label on this story!  
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	6. Beware of Purple Velvet Atrocities

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except for those who are of my own creation.

…

Chapter Six: Beware of Purple Velvet Atrocities

* * *

The next morning, Jols woke me up rather rudely. Well, alright, I admit it, he didn't do anything but if the first thing you saw when you woke up is the face of a man who you though you have never met before staring down at you, I think that you would flip out as I did. After landing with an ungraceful thump on the floor, I acquired a pain in my general posterior area for the rest of the day. To accompany that, I am not a morning person, at ALL. And Lancelot's little night rendezvous with some woman, which I unfortunately heard all of through the rather thin walls, gave me very little sleep. So in general, I was in a pretty crappy mood.

Scratch that.

I was feeling uber bitchy.

I staggered to my feet and limped to the bathroom with a string of curses and oaths in my wake. Jols merely tidied around the room and rolled his eyes at my stupidity. Idiot squire.

I glanced around my room when I did not hear the usual squeak of morning greetings from my dear ferret and wondered vaguely where he had got himself into. I pushed the thought from my mind. Slinky's a ferret. He can take care of himself. If I don't see him by lunch at least, I'll be worried but for now, I turned to the task of cleaning myself.

I tamed my unruly hair, or at least, tried to, and woke myself up by splashing cold water on my face. After tidying up a bit, I stepped out, feeling quite refreshed and feeling a lot less moody.

That was until Jols shoved a pile of clothing in my face.

"Here, I was instructed to give you this," he told me, then with a curt nod, he left the room. I stared at the bundle in my arms then frowning suspiciously, I unrolled it… and swore very loudly.

It was a dress!

Of all the rotten…

I fumed.

Oh… there would be hell to pay for this.

Glaring at the offensive piece of clothing, I started to think of my sweet, sweet revenge and then I grinned.

Sir Lancelot, the woman lover, is going to get his just rewards for keeping me up all night with his extremely loud show of late night activity.

I folded the dress carefully and bundled it under my arms. After making sure that Jols was no where in sight, I quickly exited the quarters Arthur so graciously lent me and tiptoed towards Lancelot's door. I placed my ear against it and tried to listen for sounds of activity inside.

Nothing.

I grinned. The bastard must still be asleep.

Grabbing the handle of the door, I tugged on it lightly and found, to my absolute pleasure, that it was unlocked. I pulled it open.

_Creak_

I winced and hoped he didn't hear that. I peeked inside and saw that he was still asleep… with the woman he slept with last night curled up against his chest. I smirked and quickly stole inside. I looked around the room and saw the small bundle of clothes that Jols left for the knight and my grin grew wider. Oh… this was just too easy.

I shuffled towards the table where his bundle laid and swapped it with mine then proceeded to rid the entire place of any piece of "man" clothing I can lay my hands on. Then, with the huge (and smelly) bundle in my arms, I quickly exited his room and closed the door behind me. I giggled and turned around.

_SMACK!_

…right into Galahad's chest.

Correction. Right into Galahad's _armor plated_ chest.

Lancelot's clothes flew from my arms as I clutched my throbbing nose.

"What were you doing in Lancelot's room…? And… with his clothes?" the youngest knight of the table asked me suspiciously with a raised eyebrow and a small smirk that graced his lips, which suggested oh, so much more.

I looked over my shoulder as I heard a small moan from inside and panicked a little.

"Shush! You're going to wake him up! Just… help me pick this up and you'll find out in a bit," I told him in a hushed and urgent whisper. Galahad looked at me sternly but upon seeing the grin on my face, he quickly gathered up the strewn Lancelot-clothing and we quickly exited the area.

"So what's this about then?" asked he. I grinned, "you'll see."

And see, he did. As did the rest of the knights.

We were sitting around the table and chatting as we waited for Lancelot to arrive so that Arthur could tell his knights of their supposedly last mission when my friendly conversation with Gawain about the unusual methods to catch a rabbit was interrupted by the front door banging open and Lancelot's angry booming of my name.

Eep.

Maybe I should've thought this one through a bit more.

But one look at the knight dissolved any fear of whatever action he chose to take against me.

There he stood, clad in the purple velvet atrocity that Jols gave me to wear. The tight fitting garment hugged him tightly as if trying to suffocate his form and the stretched neckline exposed his hairy chest to the world. His face was an interesting shade of red that seemed to be from a combination of embarrassment and anger.

At first, there was silence.

But when Arthur calmly asked after Lancelot's current state of dress, everything turned into chaos.

The table exploded into guffaws of laughter. Even Dagonet doubled over, dissolved into peals of laughter, followed soon by Arthur himself as they clutched the edge of the table to stop themselves from falling off their chairs.

"THIS IS YOUR DOING JONES!" yelled Lancelot, pointing an accusing finger at me. I gasped indignantly through giggles, "I did no such thing!" He snarled.

"All my clothes were gone! The only thing left was … was… THIS!" he gestured to the purple velvet atrocity. I dissolved into peals of laughter and couldn't find the air to reply.

After awhile though, good ole Arthur called out a halt amidst giggles which only escalated my mirth. I mean… hearing a grown man giggle?

"Now… heehee… enough, enough. We really must get on with this last mission for Rome," he announced and cleared his throat in an attempt to stop the bubbling laughter. I noticed how he avoided looking at the fuming Lancelot. Slowly, one by one, the knights all calmed down but Lancelot still shot me a dark look that promised revenge. I smiled innocently in his direction and shrugged my shoulders.

"So what is the mission?" Lancelot asked with a dark look upon his face. Arthur cleared his throat to stifle those pesky giggles again before he continued, "There is an emissary from Rome coming to the wall. He's Bishop Germanus."

There were murmurs among the knights. The general impression I got was that they were not at all impressed with this man's rank. I grinned.

"So what's so important about this man anyways? Why do we have to accompany him?" Gawain asked with a frown.

"Well for one thing, he carries your release papers."

Until that moment, I never realized how loud six men could be. They cheered loudly and joyously at the mention of those papers. My smile dimmed a little when I realized what fate had in store for them and chewed on my lip.

For the next half hour, Arthur went over this particular situation that they faced. They studied the lay of the land, the route that the carriage took, the surrounding forests and known Woad areas, areas to stay away from, where to approach, where the carriage would be and so on. It all would've been rather boring had I not known what the arrival of the bishop would mean for the knights. I played with a frayed area of the tunic I wore with agitation and a certain amount of anxiousness. What about me? What would I do? Would I beg them to take me with them on the mission they did not expect? I bit my lip. I would be another helpless woman they would have to care for and worry about.

I glanced at Dagonet who listened attentively to Arthur's little presentation and felt my chest clench in pain. He wouldn't be able to enjoy his hard earned freedom… in two days, he'll be dead. I winced.

I was thrown out of my little conversation with myself when Bors stood up, "Well let's go then, I should hate for anything to happen to those papers of ours…"

The rest of knights rose and amidst laughter and jests (including several attempts to look up Lancelot's dress much to his discomfort), they left for the stables to prepare for the mission. I stood up myself and glanced at Arthur expectantly. He raised an eyebrow.

"What am I to do?"

"You… are to wait here," he announced firmly. I shrugged, "I suppose that's fair." But as he strode out of the room, I stopped with him when I grabbed him by the arm. He turned to look at me and I fidgeted.

"Urm… please be careful…"

He smiled at me reassuringly, "Aren't we always?" He swept me up in a friendly hug that was meant to reassure me (not break my back) and turned to leave but not before calling over his shoulder.

"Ask Jols about that rodent of yours. I believe he's taken quite a liking to that animal."

He's WHAT! So THAT'S where Slinky went. 

I stared after Arthur's retreating back. Jols… the squire… He… shall… die… tonight.

After seeing Arthur and his knights off with a wave (and flipping of the finger in Lancelot's case) I bid them good luck and a safe journey before going on my own little excursion to find our dear squire, Jols. It was well into the afternoon before I've had any luck. Though a relatively small place compared to what I'm used to in the present, Hadrian's Wall was surprisingly easy to get lost in. It seemed to me like nothing was ever in one place. Guards came and went, some changed positions. The peasants pushed and shoved me in order to get to their respective places and do their respective duties. A merchant would always move from one place to another and the general hubbub just caused me greater confusion (and pain to my aching sides from being pushed around).

I dared not go and ask help and directions from one of the guards. From what I've witness the Saxons did to that poor village (a horrible memory that) I've decided not to trust any sort of men except for the knights. At least I knew they had honor in them, however barbaric, rude and smelly they might be. Some of the guards might not follow that same code of chivalry that the knights upheld.

And I for one, wasn't willing to take any chances.

My luck did turn for the better when I found Vanora amidst the hustle and bustle of the rather stinky crowd of people.

"Jones? Jones is that you?" she asked, laughing at my present state of attire. I grinned ruefully and nodded. She held a child, not more than three years on her back and clung onto another, a boy of about six by the hand and waded through the crowd with ease that I could never hope to attain unless I was carrying a skunk under my elbow so that everyone would avoid me. But even then, it's a big assumption that they would mind the smell.

"Have you eaten?" she asked, juggling a basket of what looked like cheese, a loaf of bread, cabbage and other leafy greens that I could not identify. It wasn't until she asked the question that I realized how famished I was. I shook my head, "No, I would have except I think I'm lost."

She laughed, "Come, let me feed you then. Bors wouldn't like it if he found I out I let you starve." I was about to refuse and ask her directions back but she thrust the basket of groceries in my hands and tottered off with the six year old in tow. I almost dropped the basket, surprised at its weight, before staggering clumsily after her. How she does it was anyone's guess. To able to maintain perfect balance with a kid on your back, a basket in your hands that weighed like a ton of bricks while dragging a six year old behind you was a feat that should be applauded.

Eventually however, we reached her humble dwelling where the night before our combined efforts dragged Bors back home and into bed. By now, I sweated profusely and panted from exhaustion with carrying the basket. I sat down on a protruding rock outside her humble home and set the basket down to catch my breath. Seeing my fatigue, Vanora simply laughed and handed me a cup of water, which I gratefully drank from and handed back the empty cup. Once she placed the contents of the basket away inside the house, she came out, started the fire and soon, we chatted of nonsensical things while sharing a steaming bowl of gruel cooked with bits of chicken, pork, carrots, other greens and a chunk of bread from the loaf she just bought. After the children ate, I helped her put the younger ones to bed and watched with an eagle's eye while the older ones played children's game.

"You miss it, don't you?" Vanora asked out of the blue. I tilted my head towards her, "Hmm?"

"You miss it. Being a child, I mean. The games, the false safety… everything's possible when you're a child," Vanora said dreamily. I smiled and nodded with a sigh but other than that, I did not reply. It was a rare moment of peace. It shall not come again until Arthur is crowned and married to Guinevere and that was a while to go… I sighed and stood up, dusting off my pants.

"Vanora, I'm sorry to have to leave so soon. I really appreciated the lunch and your hospitality."

She smiled and I knew why Bors fell in love with her, "it's nothing. It's good to have some company some times other than that fat pig and his piglets."

I laughed, knowing that she did not mean it. She did love him after all. With a wave good bye, I took my leave and continued my mission to hunt down Jols and find my Slinky.

I was lucky enough. Jols was not out running errands for some of the guards. No. Instead, I found him lying beneath a large tree in one of the inner courtyards, feeding Slinky small pieces of cheese while the ferret sat on his shoulder, utterly content. I felt a pang of jealousy.

Slowly, with my awesome ninja skills, I tiptoed up behind him. Slinky noticed me first and turned around. I held out my arm and with a squeak of happiness (at least, I thought it was happiness), he climbed up my arm to settle around my shoulders. With the diligence of a mother, he inspected me for any sort of injury but laid off when I offered him a small piece of bread I saved from Vanora's lunch.

"Good to see that you've taken care of him at least," I said, sitting down beside the squire. He noticed my presence and hurried up on his feet. I rolled my eyes.

"Jols, sit."

He did.

"Now relax. I'm not your superior so shut up and we'll both enjoy the afternoon eh?"

He gnawed on his bottom lip and wondered what he should do and what course of action he should take and blah, blah, blah. Protocol. Instead of letting him continue with those thoughts, I interrupted them with one of my own.

"So how has Slinky been? Alright I hope? Did he cause any trouble?"

He perked up and at once, we began discuss my dear friend and I showed him a few tricks that Slinky could do, much to his immediate surprise and pleasure. We then spent the rest of the afternoon together and tried to teach Slinky a few new tricks.  
Tried being the keyword here.

Of course, the dear ferret, upon knowing of our plans of degrading him, decided to ignore us for the rest of the afternoon, much to both Jols and my frustration. Discovering this fact, both of us settled back down against the tree and the squire fished out a bag of nuts from one of his pockets and shared them with me. Our bonding time was then interrupted by shells flying back and forth. But all in all, it ended quite well I think. The few people who passed us thought the squire's new friend (an extremely fetching young man if I do say so myself) to be having one of those boys will be boys moment.

Nobody suspected that the dear "Lady Jones" masqueraded as a rather handsome and feminine peasant boy. A few of the guards did give us queer looks but that peaceful afternoon ended… well… peacefully.

I went to bed early that night, feeling rather content with myself. Jols escorted me (well he showed me the way, I wouldn't let him escort me but I was lost) to my room and left once I left clear instructions that he was NOT to bring me women's clothing. It wasn't until three arguments later that he gave up arguing with me and left me in peace. During my bath, Slinky accompanied me and amused me with his swimming antics before I had to take him out to prevent him from drowning.

When I lied down to sleep however, the thoughts of the Bishop coming to Hadrian's Wall worried me greatly. Everything will change. The peace will shatter as will many lives. The scene of Dagonet's death replayed over and over again in my head and I shuddered.

As if sensing my discomfort, the ferret curled up against my chest with a small squeak of reassurance and I had to smile.

He was right… there was nothing I could do to prevent it. History will drastically change. I shivered again. At least Dagonet will die a hero's death, I told myself over and over again.

But he will still die…

* * *

End: Chapter Six

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A/N: OMG that took a while to finish. And this isn't as funny as the previous chapters. I think it's going to slip more into action from now on. It took a while to even get to the stupid Bishop. Oh, and question, does anybody know when the knights return? Is it a day later? Or is it two days? And thanks for all the reviews guys! I love you all! TT They're the only reason why I've decided to keep writing this or else I wouldn't have updated. Now, please review yet again! D You make my life complete.

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**Nino: **Awwww.. you don't like Cynic? I think he's just.. misunderstood. mwahahaha Anyways, here's the next chapter for ya. D


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